Sexual Sweets...Wanna Bite?

/ Friday, March 6, 2009

Who knew making penis cookies would require so much creativity? This was an exercise in baking bravery to say the very least. Throw your insecurities way out the window kids. You're going to have to grow a pair to read this post...ha, ha.

As I said earlier this week my baked goods are being raffled off during this weekends V-DAY event, a reading of "A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer" by Eve Ensler. I will be donating 4 packages...two boxes of mixed treats & two dirty-duo cookie bags.

The issue was making these lovely snacks look somewhat realistic without being completely uneatable. Frosting? No Frosting? "Pubic Hair"? No "Pubic Hair? Where do you put it? Too much? Too little? Should they be man-scaped? 
There are two different kinds of sugar cookies, one flavored slightly with amaretto and cinnamon, the other with sweet cocoa. I chose to frost them in order to give them a more "skin like" appearance. Plain these cookies were a bit too bumpy...who would want to eat a diseased penis anyway?

I didn't use a recipe to make the glaze. If you mix confectioner's sugar, a little lemon juice and water you can play with the proportions until you get the flavor and consistency you want. One glaze I dyed with just a little pink coloring gel.  The darker glaze I colored with some black pigment powder and unsweetened cocoa powder. Yum and yum. 

sweetened shredded coconut + cocoa powder + splash of water

Another treat wrapped up in the package, Popped Cherry Tea Cakes. For the female representation I wanted to make something a bit softer, more refined. This is a day celebrating woman after all. The popped cherry tea cakes are a wink & a nod to the female anatomy without being as brazen as the phallic foods you see above. 
As long as you stick the pubes on before the glaze dries you're set! Did I mention that they taste great? There has to be something wrong with that. 

Finally the addition of the "happy ending" just didn't look right without it. In order to craft the final detail I started by thinning out a little glaze to make it runny. Next, I made a pool at the tip of the penis head and let it drip down until it reached the patterned I wanted. Tastes like lemons. 

The tea cakes are a play on Martha's Valentine's Day Financiers. They're a light almond tea cake with a sweet cherry baked into the middle. I added a little extra cherry jam on top of the batter right before I baked it to give it a gooey appearance. For a PG-13 version maybe use  bing cherry with the stem on or just use jam as Martha suggests. Try making them yourself!

adapted from Martha Stewart Living 

Vegetable oil cooking spray
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1/3 cup honey
2 cups sliced blanched almonds (6 1/2 ounces), lightly toasted and finely ground
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup sifted confectioners' sugar
3/4 cup sifted cake flour (not self-rising)
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 large egg whites
45 sweet cherries + cherry jam  

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat mini muffin tins with cooking spray.
2. Heat butter in a small saucepan over medium-low heat, whisking frequently, until golden brown, 6 to 7 minutes. Add honey, and whisk until combined. Remove from heat.
3. Using a mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, combine almonds, sugars, flour, and salt on low speed. Raise speed to medium-high, and add egg whites, one at a time, beating after each addition until just combined. Scrape down sides of bowl. Reduce speed to low, and add warm butter-honey mixture in a slow, steady stream. Raise speed to high, and beat for 45 seconds.
4. Spoon batter into muffin cups, filling each halfway. Place one cherry and 1/8 tsp cherry jam onto of each cup. 
5. Bake, rotating tins halfway through, until edges are golden brown, 15 to 20 minutes. Let cool slightly in tins on wire racks. Using a small offset spatula, carefully unmold financiers, and transfer to rack. Financiers are best served warm or the same day they are baked, but they can be stored in airtight containers at room temperature for up to 3 days. If desired, serve or package financiers in decorative paper liners

There financiers taste like anything but a financier. There certainly isn't enough butter to remind me of my daily snack in Paris. These taste much more like a mini muffin but they're still tasty. The cherry adds extra kick that's both sweet & a bit tart at the same time. They make you pucker your lips, which I suppose it totally appropriate in this case. Bravo Martha!

Here you have it folks, two boxed filled with condom free cookies & popped cherry tea cakes along with two gift bags with a dirty duo of treats. So are you going to come to the performance of not!? I can already think of a few things that would be excited to see you there...Enjoy!


  1. wow. you really do need to grow a pair to read that post!

    so awesome.

  2. WOW. So much more graphic looking on the web than in person. They were so cute when they were being decorated, now they are borderline threatening. hahaha


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